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Y2 Cans/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW You know, it's a great feeling when you can take something and make it better. And believe me, that's a rare thing for a middle-aged, married person to be able to pull off. But I think I've done it here. I've taken this windshield wiper and mounted it on a suction cup. I've got a lead sinker attached to the end, using the handyman's secret weapon. Now, we all have wipers on the front to keep the windshield clear. But wouldn't it be better if you could see out all your windows? Now, you mount these babies on each of the windows. They swing up on the suction cup, and then the lead sinker brings them back down. Now all we need is something that will make them move. I know, you've already guessed it, haven't you? That's right, a model train. I stuck an old ice scraper across the cow-catcher here and that'll knock the wiper handles every time ol' 49 here goes rumblin' by. I also have complete control over the speed of my auxiliary wiper system with this train transformer. I can set her from shunting speed all the way to full speed ahead. And I'm running the whole deal off the car battery, got it hooked up to the cigarette lighter here. I can even do this. That's my intermittent. Okay, I think it's time for my demonstration, but you're going to have to use your imaginations a fair bit here. Pretend I'm on the highway. Pretend it's raining. And pretend this actually works. [ applause ] [ cheering and applause ] all right. Thank you very much. Thank you. I appreciate that. Got a bit of a project going on up at the lodge this week. Harold wants us to get rid of all the junk that's lying around here. But I say, no, we just need another shed. Usually we just make our own sheds. We just stand a bunch of canoes up, duct tape them together. And I want to buy one of those fancy steel sheds they got on sale down at the lumber yard. Now all we gotta do is find a way to raise the cash. You know, if those people would take a cheque, none of this would be necessary. Red, red, I think I got the answer. You remember all those cans of food we put in the basement for that y2k scare? Yeah. Oh, remember that, eh? The sky is falling. Okay, well you know, we could sell these for some money. We've got hundreds of these things. Well, they haven't got any labels, dalton. Oh, all right. We have the labels. No, no, no, we just don't know which cans they came off. Well, you know, that would cut into the sales potential, I would think, dalton. You leave that to me. It's marketing, red. You don't know much about marketing. Well, I know a can of corn is $1.69. It's shiny, and it's got a label on it. So how much would I pay for a rusty can of who knows what? You know a penny sounds high to me. Well, that's the thing. You don't sell the steak. You sell the sizzle. Steak and sizzle come in cans, do they? Red, it's a metaphor. We're going to sell these grab-bag surprise packages. It's a lottery, huh! Oh, so you buy a can. You're kind of hoping that it's peas, but if you're lucky, it might even be carrots. Caviar, red. Is that it? It could be caviar. No, no, dalton. Hang on a second. If you're going to add a can of caviar into the mix, that's going to cost you an extra 300 bucks. You see, I don't have to provide caviar, red. I have to provide the possibility of caviar. [ laughing maniacally ] you know, I think he's looking at the possibility of jail time. It's time for the possum lodge word game! [ cheering and applause ] and today's winner will receive one free shoe shine. Your choice, one right shoe or one left shoe. Close your ears, harold. Okay, red, you've got 30 seconds to get harold to say this word... Yeah, all right, dalton. And go! Okay, harold, this is something all men like to have. Excuses. No, um, this is a physical thing. If you looked at the arms of most of the guys at the lodge, what do you see? Tattoos. Scars. Burnt hair. Burnt hair! No. No. No. Ring it! This is a body part, okay? And moose thompson has real big ones. I'm not allowed in the communal shower. I don't know. Yeah, okay. Time's almost up, red. You know, uh, harold, if women see a real good looking man they'll say, "boy, I'd really like to see his..." portfolio. Remember we went to the steakhouse last week? And to get your knife through the beef you had to use all your... I don't eat red meat. I had the mussels. That's it! That's it! [ applause ] seems like everybody likes to look wealthy. Some guys do it with clothes or cars or jewellery. Some guys do it with wives. Some guys do it with empties. To me, there's nothing that says money more than having a riding lawn mower. So this time, on handyman corner, I'm going to show you how you can build your own stylish, and yet extremely affordable, riding mower. Okay, all you need is an eavestrough, a chunk of two-by-six, a gas push mower, a garage door opener, and, of course, a toilet plunger. Step one, you want to put an extra handle on your mower there so you can swing both ways. Then you run your two-by-six right through the two of them. That becomes the mounting platform for your pulling mechanism. It also doubles as a seat. I would say don't even sand that. Slivers may hurt a little, but they sure keep you from sliding off. All right, the next thing you want to do is take your garage door opener and your eavestrough and mount them dead centre on the two-by-six. No, let me rephrase that. The insurance company doesn't like to hear things like dead centre, or bleed the lines, or I'm gonna use the big hammer. You know, every lawng mower has a little generator in it to make the spark plug go. So I'm using some of that electricity to run my garage door opener. Probably not exactly the right voltage, but I find with electricity, you don't have to be all that close. Now, when you mount your garage door opener on there, make sure you do it with just one bolt. That way it can swing around. I'll show you why later. Okay, now get all the cable out of the opener and attach the end of it to your toilet plunger. Now all you need is something to shoot that plunger out of there. Gotta be something strong, but stretchy. Oh, I know just the -- yeah, um, doctor told me to wear these. Said they'd improve my circulation. Boy, was he wrong. When I have them on, women don't even want to talk to me. Okay, so I position the launcher into my rocket silo, and then I drop my arrow in there, aim her all up, and we're ready for a demonstration. I'll show you how she works. [ breathing heavily ] [ mower starting ] all right, now, we just take our plunger and we aim her at something solid. Like, say, a dog house. Okay, now, of course, we want to head back the other way. So we swing our firing device all the way around. We aim at something else. I'm thinking maybe that mailbox on the other side of the street. [ applause ] I want to talk to you older guys out there. You know, as we age, the line between "with it, middle-aged guy," and "out-of-it, hopeless geezer" starts to blur. Now, I know there's no way that you're a geezer, but maybe some of your friends are starting to show the telltale signs, start saying things like, "I remember when they'd deliver that with a horse." or, "I see bell bottoms are coming back in style." or, "computers make your brain go soft." actually, computers do make your brain go soft, but it takes a geezer to notice it. Not that there's anything wrong with being a geezer. I mean, some of the best lawn ornaments and clothes peg recipe card holders are made by geezers. But I'm just thinking you're not quite ready to join the club where the dues are paid in balls of old string. No, sir, you've got years in the fast lane ahead of you before you pull off on the exit to geezerdom. But what do you do if some of your friends aren't so lucky? Well, you do everything you can to make them feel like they're still hip and happening. If you see them heading off to the mall in their bedroom slippers, you do the same thing. Just so they won't feel out of place. If they show you their collection of hotel soaps, you've got to admire it and show them yours. And never ever tell them they've become a geezer. They might do the same for you some day. Maybe they already have. Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together. Okay, mike. I'm here. Now what? Red, you got to figure out a way to get me out of here. Red: I assume coming out the front door is out of the question. That's very astute of you. Red: Mike, how do you get yourself into these shamozles? She said her dad would be away all weekend and he wasn't coming home until Monday. And get this, he's my parole officer. Small world, isn't it? Yeah, small world, small jail cell. Yeah, well, that's where you come in. Go to the front door and start talking to him. And that'll give me the chance to sneak out the back way. And I'll meet you back in the possum van. Okay. What am I supposed to tell him? Say that I sent you with a message for his daughter, that I knew she wanted to go out with me tonight, but I didn't think it was right, so I stayed home to read my bible. You expect him to believe that? Well, it's been my experience that parole officers will believe pretty well anything. Red: Okay. [ knocking ] yeah, I got a message for your daughter. She wanted to go out with mike, but he's not going to be coming. He's staying home reading the old testament. So he won't be dropping around. Just wanted to let you know that. Okay, fine. Good night. And don't forget to wear your seatbelt. Mike, are you in here? How'd it go? Oh, fine. Good. He's not concerned about his daughter. He's wondering what happened to his television set. Oh. Judging by the inventory, I'd say we may have overestimated the consumer demand for unmarked, rusty food cans. I think we have problem. Oh, yeah, mr. Marketing genius? Did your sizzle kind of fizzle? The ignorance of the people in this community can just be extremely frustrating. Are you saying they didn't get excited about the chance to buy cheap caviar? They didn't even know what caviar was. Well, did you tell them it was fish eggs yes. In a black, gooey sauce? Nothing. And? No. No kidding? I've got a better idea. We're going to have a pot-luck supper down at the community centre. We're going to put all the cans in a big cauldron. We're going to call it possum lodge stew. Charge five bucks a bowl. How much for the antidote? No, I think it might work, you know? For any ex-con that would be like a stroll down memory lane. Yeah, it's five bucks. It's all-you-can-eat. It's a bargain! For me, I couldn't eat 50 cents worth. You know we're going to make it a fun night. We're going to open a thousand cans of food. Let the chips fall where they may, and we're going to call it... The night of a thousand cans! You know, night of a thousand cramps might work better. Red: A bunch of us were taking down a pup tent behind the lodge there. We'd done our bit. Kind of left walter to clean it up, finally. Odd thing happened. We had a kind of a low breeze come in. I believe it's called a rising thermal, and, uh, it took walter up 600 or 700 feet, I believe. You can't count on thermals, as most of us know, but this gave us a great idea. We could try parasailing using the pup tent. And all we needed -- we needed some kind of a vehicle if we could get something to pull it. And mike had an idea. He had just the vehicle in mind, apparently. So all we had to do was talk walter into doing it. He was quite impressed being up there, and we said that we had a great plan. And, uh, I didn't realize mike had a motorcycle. I guess he had just picked this one up. And, uh, very generous. He was allowing winston to ride it. He didn't want to be on it for a while. So winston turned her around, and all we were going to do was just hook walter with a rope. You're going to really enjoy this, walter. You're going to love this. You're going to have the time of your life. Now all we got to do is attach the other end to the motorcycle. There wasn't really anything we felt was strong enough on it, and winston got the idea that instead of tying it to the motorcycle, he's on there so why didn't we just tie it around his waist? Now, we figure, walter, all you got to do is just jump. Just jump. You'll love this. It's like an amusement park. And then we'll -- mike and I will throw the tent. All right, let's go. Now, don't forget, you gotta jump. Take her. Go! There we go! Jump. Jump, walter. Up you go. Up you go, walter. Jump. Jump. Up you go. Give her the gun there, winston. Give her some -- oh! Oh! Ohh! All right. So we checked the manual. And that's how they do it. Oh, okay. Now, you put walter right on the back of the motorcycle, and, of course, we're up to let -- to let the sail go from the top of the van, to release the sail. And up he goes! And that's great. But we forgot winston was attached. Well, now they're floating up there. Mike brings the anchor rope. That was a good idea. All we gotta do is anchor them. That's the wrong end, mike. You want to throw the anchor up there and hook it to somewhere, anywhere on them. And... Got 'em. And it's that simple. And we saved her again. Perfect. Oops. Umm... Umm... Okay, guys, I gotta go. Hey there, gord. Hang on a second. I'm picketing here. I'm gord! I'm bored! Get used to it! What's going on here, gord? I'm on strike, red, okay? You know, power to the people and all that. And wouldn't this work better if you went down where people could actually see you? Yeah, probably. But I couldn't bring myself to leave my post. Well, this could be a first in organized labour. You're your own scab. [ laughter and applause ] look, I'm new at this, okay? How come your sign is blank? I didn't want to be too specific about my demands. I just wanted to show my general displeasure. Now, there's got to be something that's bothering you. Are you after a raise? I'd like to be paid, okay? Then we can talk about a raise. Are you saying you still have never been paid? No. It's a bit of a sore spot. To seem greedy. I don't want okay, so -- I understand, but if you could get paid, that would -- that would do it for you? Oh, sure. And a vacation would be nice. A little "me" time. I always thought it'd be nice to have st. Patrick's day off. No. You know, nobody gets st. Patrick's day, but you know what I would say? Why don't you get the big vacation stretch that you have now, like the time between, say, christmas and new year's? Christmas is a holiday? You know, gord, I think you have a decision to make. I think you have to get another job, or you have to keep going this one and not get paid for it. Do you know anybody else that would hire you? Oh, sure. Yeah. I have excellent computer skills. I've got a mattel intellivision. Oh, yeah! 64k of memory, four colour. I think they're coming out with a keyboard too. Well, you know, that's exciting. I don't know, red. Do you think I should get a new job? I would recommend medical treatment of some kind, and then just take it from there, you know? No. No. Red, I'm going to keep this job. But, gord, it's terrible hours, and you don't get paid. Nobody else in the world would do that. That's right, red. That's what they call job security. Okay? Okay, I gotta go. See you! Well, our pot luck dinner was not a total success. Well, it wasn't that bad. Not everybody got sick. Just the ones who ate the food. Luckily, the smell turned most people off. You know, they tell me that some of those trees will never have leaves again. You know I just don't get it. Most of those cans were beans or corn. What went wrong? Well, they weren't all beans or corn, dalton. That's what went wrong. Some were floor wax; some were body filler. Yeah, well, I think it was the hand cleaner oh, man. That did the real damage. Turned everybody into a soap dispenser. Well, no harm done. Everybody got their money back. No harm done? We've got no steel shed, and now we've got nothing to sell. Yeah, but there were no fatalities, no permanent injuries. Around here, that's what we call no harm done. Yeah, I suppose. Yeah, yeah. Hey, mr. Green! I've got a surprise for you. No dessert, mike. I couldn't go there. No, no, no. I stacked up all the empty cans and made a shed out of them. Well, my gosh, you know that's pretty smart. It's right outside. Do you want to see it? Well, let's not kill my enthusiasm that fast, okay, mike? You see there, red? When we put our minds together we always solve the problem. Yeah. I suppose so. Hope you didn't pollute the lake when you rinsed those cans out, eh? Rinse the cans out? How do you mean? Well, if you don't rinse the cans out, you're going to attract animals. Attract animals, how do you mean? [ dogs barking ] [ possum squealing ] meeting time. Let's go. See you later. [ applause ] well, if my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting, and I'll be coming home hungry. You know, you always tell me to watch what I eat. I couldn't even look at that dinner. So I was hoping, maybe later, we could have a big steak, and then after we could have a little sizzle. And to rest of you, thanks for watching. And on behalf of myself and the whole gang up here at possum lodge, keep your stick on the ice. [ cheering and applause ] sit down, guys. Have a seat. Down, down, down. Sit down. All rise! Quando omni flunkus moritati. Red: Sit down. All right, bow your heads for the men's prayer. I'm a man, but I can change, if I have to, I guess. Okay, men, we got a call from the wives. And any of you who had the possum lodge stew, your wives asked you not to come home for a few days. [ applause ] closed captioning performed by intercaption canada www.Intercaption.Com